every day I forgive him

he asked me if I forgave him..
to which I smiled and replied,

yes.
 every day i forgive you

what i did not tell him was
that each morning

and every night
i have to remind myself
to forgive him

i did not tell him
that I didn’t know
our last kiss would be the last

that he hadn’t given me a chance to cherish it
that I didn’t even remember
when it was
or how his lips felt against mine

that i wish I could remember that last kiss
as clearly as I remember the first
beneath that moonlit sky

but I hadn’t known it was the end of us
and it all seems so unfinished

i did not tell him
of how much i miss the gaze
that used to warm my skin like sunshine
but is now hidden behind clouds

or of how I ache for the arms that used to hold me
envelop me
for now,
now my bones feel so cold

I did not tell him
that
it will always hurt to think of him
it will always hurt
to see him smile
at her..
any her..
every her..

and to know that he had seen my heart breaking
right in front of his eyes
that he had known of my prayers to keep him..

and simply watched

and waited

every day
i forgive him

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follow the sun (forget him)

sunI will follow the sun until I forget him
until there is not a single trace
until these eyes and fingers
forget the outline of his face

Rising or setting or behind clouds
I will follow the sun’s lead
tolerating the two twilights
as long as it takes to cauterize the bleed

Standing in its scorching heat
it will burn away the pain
sadness falling from the clouds
knowing a rainbow follows the rain

Back into the ocean’s womb I swim
a returning home to my Being
a gestation of evolution
a rebirthing and a freeing

And I will follow the sun until I forget him

 

 

Living Proof

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Time and time again
life will prove to you how fragile and rare is Trust,
and how valuable when found.

It will prove to you
that many people will disappoint you
and hurt you;
and how important it is to hold on to those that don’t;
how important it is to hold on
to those who can taste your tears through the kisses,
and then kiss them away.

It will reveal to you
that there is nowhere to go to escape from heartache,
that it will hurt deeper and stronger each time;
even though, each time,
you thought you had mastered the pain.
But pain is not meant to be mastered
— it is meant to conquer ‘you’,
— it is meant to reveal you.

Life will manifest to you
that heartbreak is a lesson we must learn,
and that its only teachers are those we have loved.

It will show you
that sometimes
it takes a smack in the face with a boulder
to finally see things as they truly are;
and we realize we can lie to ourselves for only so long.

Life will prove to you
that sadness is only one of two wings;
and that we need both wings to fly.

That at the end,
and in the end,
there is only God and you…

…and that is sufficient.

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I will always remember

 

sunset
I will always remember
standing next to you~
the way your hand glides over my back
slowly caressing..
soothing..
teasing,
then retreating..

sitting near you
as you read
engrossed in words,
your mind in a place far away.
Sometimes
you will read to me,
and I love the sound of your voice.
So often it seems
I have heard your voice
long before you spoke to me

When I feel sad and alone ~
as if you sense my somber wistfulness,
you take my hand in yours,
intertwine your fingers with mine,
and hold them..
gently yet firmly.
you bring my fingers to your lips
and kiss them.

I will always remember
the way you kiss me,
the way you hold my mouth
between your thumb and fingers
and draw my lips towards yours
as if you are claiming ownership,
ownership
and I so want to be claimed by you.
Nothing else matters at that moment,
when I can feel you smile
in the middle of that kiss..
knowing you have
all of me.
and I can’t help but also smile..

our morning coffee
our books
our music
~ our silence ~
your arms around me
the warmth
your eyes
your smile
~ the light ~
my joy

our yesterdays
and
tomorrows

First Love

“I used to build dreams about you”
~F.Scott Fitzgerald
first love 2

 

There is always something special and unforgettable
about that first time we fell in love –
something that remains deep within us
as we journey on through our lives;
something we never let go of.
If you ever had the occasion to re-meet a past, first love –
you will most likely be hit with the realization that
not only is he/she a different person,
but that you are also a very different person
in relation to them.

Because it is not the ‘person’ we remember necessarily;
but the feeling we had,
the loving fully and being loved in return,
the innocence of first love when betrayal never entered our thoughts,
the utter belief that we were in total control of our destiny..
the KNOWING that we were going to be happy for the rest of our lives,
and the faith that love could conquer all.
We felt everything more acutely,
our joys and our sorrows,
because we didn’t have anything to compare them to.
Everything was a first.

But Life teaches us otherwise.

And despite all of life’s trials,
and all of love’s lessons,
those old memories remain.
They are reminders of a simpler, happier time
when we held the world in our hands
and hopeful innocence in our hearts.
It carries with it a subtle lingering sadness..
because we know it is something
we can never get back…

… despite our efforts as we keep trying.
first love 3

Over You

 

pain

I can no longer bear
to look into your lying eyes;
there is such  deep sadness
when love dies

I can no longer bear
to be held in your cheating arms;
the beautiful hands that once held mine
have lost all their charm

I can no longer bear
to hold a place in your misleading heart;
my heart once held you in such high graces
but you pierced it with a fickle dart

I gave you all I had
and I suffered all the pain;
You took it all for granted
It was all for your gain

All this time you deceived me,
letting you was my mistake.
And somehow I forgive you,
for my own sake

Now when I say my final goodbye
suddenly you want to apologize;
you want to be my ‘everything’
but I no longer choose to agonize..

..over you.