First Love

“I used to build dreams about you”
~F.Scott Fitzgerald
first love 2

 

There is always something special and unforgettable
about that first time we fell in love –
something that remains deep within us
as we journey on through our lives;
something we never let go of.
If you ever had the occasion to re-meet a past, first love –
you will most likely be hit with the realization that
not only is he/she a different person,
but that you are also a very different person
in relation to them.

Because it is not the ‘person’ we remember necessarily;
but the feeling we had,
the loving fully and being loved in return,
the innocence of first love when betrayal never entered our thoughts,
the utter belief that we were in total control of our destiny..
the KNOWING that we were going to be happy for the rest of our lives,
and the faith that love could conquer all.
We felt everything more acutely,
our joys and our sorrows,
because we didn’t have anything to compare them to.
Everything was a first.

But Life teaches us otherwise.

And despite all of life’s trials,
and all of love’s lessons,
those old memories remain.
They are reminders of a simpler, happier time
when we held the world in our hands
and hopeful innocence in our hearts.
It carries with it a subtle lingering sadness..
because we know it is something
we can never get back…

… despite our efforts as we keep trying.
first love 3
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Solitude

Andre Brito Photography

Within this solitude,
I have grown in ways I never knew possible.
I have delved deeper into the caverns
of each chamber
of this sacred abode
we call the Heart,
and discovered there is no end..
It is a perpetually incessant journey.

I continue to swim,
propelled through this bloodstream, ~ this heart’s dream..
my tears becoming one with the ocean
within the vessel that carries me forth.

Guided by a gentle hand, the inward immersion continues..
It is dark.. warm..
it envelopes me.
I cannot see .. rather I feel,
moving by the sight of faith.

There is safety in this sanctuary,
the guiding hand a cord,
the darkness a soothing, protective womb.

I inhale deeply —
as I hear the voice whisper:
 everything is allegory
      pain is a sculptor (it keeps us upright)
         love is a painter (his brush divinely guided)
            lust is a cello… (but what good is an instrument without a song to sing?)
and I am ecstatically transported to Tagore:
I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument 
while the song I came to sing remains unsung.”

I exhale cathartically —
Releasing..

It seems an eternity between the inhale ~ and the exhale..
a lifetime between each breath.

cello

Reminders.


Last night I was thinking to myself that sometimes, there really is no one to talk to; no one who could possibly understand… and even God is strangely silent.

As I was driving to work this morning.. I was struck by the beauty of the world surrounding me. There was an explosion of color all around; reds, oranges, yellows… this really is a beautiful time of year. There was a gentle breeze that would carry the leaves into sometimes a waltz, other times a whirling dervish-like kind of dance, and then they would gently fall to the ground.  It was truly a silent symphony nature was conducting right in front of me.

But before I could reach the end of my smile, I was hit with a stark realization: the beauty that I was witnessing… was death. Those leaves were dying. And it was beautiful.  And as I drive that way to my job every day, God willing, I will witness the continuation of this death, and then the coming back to life. And the trees will be bigger and lusher and more abundant in the spring.

Reminders. Right in front of my eyes.

My thoughts then took me on a journey:

There is death.. and there is re-birth.

There is pain.. and there is joy. My pain may be someone else’s joy.

There is loss.. and there is gain. My loss may be someone else’s gain.

Who am I to always want to have the joy and the gain all the time?

There are times when we feel we’ve lost the love of our lives.. but then we meet someone who makes us realize that we never even knew what love really was.

We may lose something that we think can never be replaced.. but then we gain something monumentally better.

Reminders.

Showing me that it is only through the combination of joy and pain that we can truly know anything about ourselves and our destiny; that it is the only way to learn what we should avoid and what we need to do to grow. That we must indeed accept disappointment while realizing that it is finite. But there is infinite hope. That “Sadness is but a wall between two gardens” (Kahlil Gibran). Does that mean that we shouldn’t be sad or feel pain? No. It means we should see it and accept it for what it is. Another blessing from our Creator.

God is never silent. Even when I choose to be deaf.