.….. I feel myself slowly dying.
I hate this feeling. I hate this lack of control over my emotions.
I hate that I pick up my phone every two minutes to see if you had texted.. or maybe called. Even though I know there will be nothing there.
There are moments when I think I’m okay.. that I can handle it.. and I go about my day. I keep myself busy at work, with my family, watching tv… But as soon as I am by myself, as soon as I am left with my thoughts, I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. To the point that I can’t even see through my tears. I don’t even feel these tears coming.. they just burst forth from someplace so, so deep within me.
I realize that I love you from that place.. a place I never knew existed nor do I know how to get to on my own. You are more than my mirror, my kindred soul.. you are the echo of myself. It took this pain, this sorrow, to get me there.
I miss you so much.
Its like my closest and best friend has died. I know I have to go through this mourning.. this pain. I know and accept that I will be sad. And sometimes angry. But mostly sad. There is a deep, dark hollowness within my core. It leaves me restless.. anguished.. waiting.. But what am I waiting for? There is nothing to wait for.
I ask myself questions I already know the answers to.
Why did you leave me?
Why didn’t you fight for me?
Why aren’t we together?
Why aren’t you calling me?
Why is this so unfair?
There are so many why’s.
I know this will get easier over time. Experience teaches us that we heal. Time heals all wounds, they say.
There are times when I can’t wait for time to heal me, to help me forget..
And then there are times when I don’t want to forget.. when I want to hold on to this pain forever; as if I am holding on to you forever.
I want to hate you.
I want to forget you.
Pretend you never existed.
No, I don’t.