A Letter You Will Never Read

.….. I feel myself slowly dying.

I hate this feeling. I hate this lack of control over my emotions.
I hate that I pick up my phone every two minutes to see if you had texted.. or maybe called. Even though I know there will be nothing there.
There are moments when I think I’m okay.. that I can handle it.. and I go about my day. I keep myself busy at work, with my family, watching tv… But as soon as I am by myself, as soon as I am left with my thoughts, I find myself sobbing uncontrollably. To the point that I can’t even see through my tears. I don’t even feel these tears coming.. they just burst forth from someplace so, so deep within me.
I realize that I love you from that place.. a place I never knew existed nor do I know how to get to on my own. You are more than my mirror, my kindred soul.. you are the echo of myself. It took this pain, this sorrow, to get me there.

I miss you so much.
Its like my closest and best friend has died. I know I have to go through this mourning.. this pain. I know and accept that I will be sad. And sometimes angry. But mostly sad. There is a deep, dark hollowness within my core. It leaves me restless.. anguished.. waiting.. But what am I waiting for? There is nothing to wait for.

I ask myself questions I already know the answers to.
Why did you leave me?
Why didn’t you fight for me?
Why aren’t we together?
Why aren’t you calling me?
Why is this so unfair?
Why..?
Why…..?
Why……..?
There are so many why’s.

I know this will get easier over time. Experience teaches us that we heal. Time heals all wounds, they say.
There are times when I can’t wait for time to heal me, to help me forget..
And then there are times when I don’t want to forget.. when I want to hold on to this pain forever; as if I am holding on to you forever.
I want to hate you.
I want to forget you.
Pretend you never existed.
.
.
.
No, I don’t.
I can’t.
Its impossible.
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5 responses to “A Letter You Will Never Read

  1. i’m sorry you got hurt
    but i’m not sorry to have read that letter. i always thought of that… isn’t love strange?
    sobhanna Allah, i feel like and God knows best, that when you love someone it is just a taste, a glimpse of how you can love God and His Prophet…
    when one reads this, it doesn’t look the same or feel the same. God is so sacred and loving someone is different… right?… but it is not, after all it is your heart that longs for that… anyways, i’m talking without thinking here 😛

    may you find your soulmate and may he fill your heart and never let you go…

    Like

  2. i am sorry you have so much pain =/ i send you prayers for so much beauty and strength to replace this. and i love youngmuslimworld’s comment above mine:

    “may you find your soulmate and may he fill your heart and never let you go…”

    may it be so, inshaAllah.

    Like

  3. Wow! Subhan’Allah. I just came across this post. Your words I can totally resonate with. They are like words you have taken from my heart and wrote down so eloquently. Everything you have written I have experienced and continue to experience, 20 months down the road. It is the worst feeling ever. Just spotted that you wrote this in 2011, have you healed?

    Like

  4. thank you so much. We all share so much in this ‘human condition’ 🙂
    Healing is always a continuous process.. I don’t know that it is ever complete.

    Like

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